I'm sorry. I really wanted to improve my commit discipline. I know. I can't
be fucked to comb this diff and split it into 8 properly-ordered commits, like I
know I should. I'm not having a good time right now. We'll do better moving
forward.
Shaving MILLISECONDS off our startup time!!! Fuck yes!
I've measured the average startup time to be 0.68s in the previous commit, and an average of 0.52 with this commit.